The Ugly Side of Sex
“This article contains explicit material, please proceed with caution.”
Sex is often hyped up to be this magical mystery ride, brimming with airbrushed passion and slick moves.
Especially if you watch porn!
But what about the stuff that no one discusses when painting sex – in films, erotica, porn, etc.?
What about the sticky icky stuff that we’d rather just forget post-coitus?
Well, with the help of some of my friends, I’ve compiled a list of things (in no particular order) that happen only too often during “The Act” and aren’t necessarily the most pleasant or the most sexy. This list encompasses awkward-ass things that can happen to both males and females:
Weird smells emanating from either party during sexual intercourse, is quite a basic problem to have.
For women, the vagina turns inward, so of course bacteria is going to get trapped up in there and settle quite comfortably into that wet little nook between your thighs. Wearing underwear exacerbates these smells, because it’s plugging up your vaginal hole, causing even more of an inwards wafting of smells. This especially sucks when your stomach is a bit upset and you’ve been farting a lot all day, only to find yourself very horny in the evening and having your partner go down on you… TALK ABOUT AWKWARD.
Do I sound like I’m speaking from experience?
It’s because I am. It’s happened to me a few times, since I have kind of an irritable stomach, and although it feels nice when a Boy #26 goes downtown, internally I’m praying that he has a cold and can’t smell anything at all.
On a general note, both male and female genitals are close to The Asshole… which let’s face it, is probably the smelliest of the smelly body parts. No wonder, since you shit outta there. But, it’s probably helpful to keep this in mind when you go down on someone, so you don’t expect it to be all sunshine and roses.
For dudes, Sweaty Balls are a real thing. Maybe the guy was exercising previously and didn’t get a chance to properly shower off? Maybe he was stressing out about you coming over and the nervous sweatiness dripped all the way down to his family jewels? Whatever the reason, guys’ balls can get pretty stinky, also exacerbated if they wear tight tidy whities or boxer briefs.
No matter what popular culture tells you, premature ejaculation is super awkward for both parties, even though it may seem horrifying. mainly for the guy. Yes, I get it. He came early… No dude ever wants to do that because of the stigma associated with it that “you’re bad at sex”. Every guy fears getting a giant, scarlet ‘B’ automatically labelled to his chest, letting the world know that he’s BAD. AT SEX.
AND EVERYTHING ELSE….
But for us ladies, when a guy comes to the party a bit early (a.k.a. ‘early’ is relative to when YOU orgasm), it’s quite a big disappointment. You were on the brink of self-fulfilment in every way and suddenly, it’s gone. The giant, hard cement pole that was lodged inside you just a second ago is now a limp noodle.
And very frustrating if you’re trying really hard to get off…
When a man prematurely ejaculates, it gets even more frustrating being the woman because you have to ‘make sure your man is okay’; make sure his ego isn’t too bruised. So, instead of being able to lament the fact that you were unable to cum, you gotta stroke his self-esteem after having stroked his dick with your labia.
TALK ABOUT LAME
Without a doubt, this little mishap makes sex awkward for everyone involved.
Anyone whose read my blog will know that I’m very FOR having (protected) sex while on your period if your partner is cool with it. You’ll also know that I’ve had my period spontaneously announce itself with someone who was not at all okay with it.
So, periods can swing either way. Sometimes they can be ‘whatever’, but sometimes they can present a very awkward, unsexy moment (this all depends on how your partner feels about them).
On the whole, men should inform themselves a bit more about women’s bodies, and what comes outta them. Dudes, you should be grateful if your woman suddenly gets her period, because it means she isn’t preggers!
Lamentably though, this is not always the case. Blood freaks a lot of people out, and if you’re not on birth control pills (and know exactly when Aunt Flow’s coming to town), it may happen that you accidentally start bleeding during sex – SURPRISE!
Wetting the sheets with red mucus isn’t exactly everyone’s idea of ‘hot’, but unfortunately since women’s periods normally come once a month, this is more common than not.
The best way to play off this situation is to be cool with it. If you’re nonchalant about it, hopefully your partner will be too.
When His Spunk Tastes Like Asparagus
We’ve all experienced it.
You go down on a dude, decide to be extra generous and let him cum in your mouth, and then OMG EWWWWW it tastes disgusting and you want to vomit everywhere.
But wait! You can’t! Because you’re still hovering over his balls, and vomiting all over him would inevitably ruin the sexy time that you guys just had.
So you take a gargantuan swallow and shudder inadvertently at the gross taste that just passed down your oesophagus. Then, you run to the restroom and gargle out your mouth with all the force you can muster.
If this hasn’t happened to you, then consider yourself lucky.
Sperm (and of course, vaginal discharge), tastes of what one has put into one’s body. So naturally, if your dude has been eating lots of fast food and processed nonsense, his spunk is going to taste like the aftermath of all that.
Likewise, if he’s been eating ‘clean’, and drinks lots of water to flush out his system, chances are his swimmers are going to taste like salted cardboard.
Ladies: salted cardboard is the much-preferred option. This is the taste that I would associate with ‘normal-tasting sperm’. So, if you get a hint of that salted cardboard, be gleeful rather than grossed out, because it could be much worse.