The best orgasms happen when you attend to both the physical and emotional aspects of your connection. In fact, most ‘best orgasms’ involve much much more than learning a sex technique.
- Knowing yourself first
In order to be able to communicate with your partner, you first need to know yourself physically and emotionally.
Know your pleasure anatomy. Study it. Look at it. Understand what parts work together and how they work towards pleasure.
Have a self-pleasure routine that is as vibrant as your sexual connection is with your partner. Know what feels good to you – touch, rhythm, pressure, technique. Know what turns you on – smells, sounds, ambiance, technique.
Understand that your emotional wellness is interconnected to your sexuality. Attend to your emotional needs, strengthen your emotional acuity and learn the patterns of how your emotions enhance or challenge your sexual world.
When you know yourself physically and emotionally, you can communicate accurately with your partner. Strengthen your skills in speaking what you want more of and would like less of.
If you need to practise it out loud by yourself or with a trusted friend, do so.
It isn’t easy knowing what to say and how, but the aim of the relationship should be that both of you feel comfortable enough to express your needs and wants, what is working and what isn’t, what you want more of and what you would like to stop doing.
When starting a conversation about this, lead with the overall “want” for you both which is typically something close to “I want us to have a deep and fulfilling sexual life together”, give specific examples of what you’d like more of or what you want to change or try for the first time and then end with an authentic compliment about your partner and gratitude for listening.
If it is too hard to start the conversation this direct, bring the conversation up by quoting an article on the topic and seeing if your partner will give reactions and it can lead to a conversation or use a quiz or list of questions like this article bundle to help give ‘a reason’ for you to be talking or asking about it.
Be straightforward with what you want, don’t want or would like to try for the first time.
Communication about this is not a one-time conversation.
During sex – Give gentle direction if you need something to change while it is happening, as well as giving enthusiastic praise if you love what is happening.
Outside the bedroom – Send articles of things you are interested in trying. Write fun texts with compliments of what is pleasurable or a certain skill you adore. Whisper what you can’t wait to do later.
If you need your partner to change something, take care to not lead with criticism or reactiveness. Approach with love and a problem solving partnership tone.
3. Review anatomy . Both of you. About both of you. Know how your anatomy relates to pleasure.
Few of us were given adequate sexual anatomy. As adults, right this wrong. Know you and your partner’s anatomy as a gender and then specific for your exact partner. When studying anatomy in general, learn the correct names, placement and function. Include outer anatomy, inner anatomy and learn how nerves, blood flow and muscular structure all interconnect. Then research how all of this works together to create pleasure. It is amazing how pleasure and orgasms become more abundant when you know how your body and your partner’s body works. This knowledge will lead you to trying different places to touch, varying pressures to try, how and why to touch multiple places at once and help you understand why some places feel good on this day but not a week later. Learning anatomy takes out a lot of the guess works for pleasure and helps bust myths you may have learned growing up. Learning anatomy can help you gain comfort level with not only your own sexual anatomy, but also your partner’s.
I have some fun exercises I do in retreats and with couples with fantasy. A great way to have great orgasms is to have an active fantasy life. One that is private and parts that are shared with your partner. You can use those fantasies to spur attraction or arousal, they can help bring variety to sexual connection and you can use them to talk dirty or talk through a sexual connection with your partner (you are doing one thing but talking about another and using the turn on as a way to heighten and role play in an imaginary way.)
Have fun. Experiment. Research. Talk to trusted friends. Don’t take sexual encounters so seriously. Sex can be messy and awkward and bumbling. Embrace it all. Don’t be afraid to laugh together, don’t shy away from talking throughout it. Consider taking breaks and relaxing. Have fun with sex toys and music and different settings.
Communication varies – sometimes it needs to be fun and light, other times it will be serious and emotional, other times it may be awkward and embarrassing. Accept all of it and know the range is normal and healthy.
BONUS : The clit and scrotum are your friends.
If you’ve done your anatomy homework, you know the clitoris isn’t just one specific area on a woman, there is a whole clitoral system. Know each part. Each woman’s clitoris likes different things. This varies woman to woman as well as week to week within the same woman. Pay attention to pressure, rhythm, technique and sensitivity. Some women like to be licked with a flat tongue while others prefer a pointed tongue. Try both. Some women like vibrators that are very light and some women like ones with strong vibration. Some women want to have their clitoral shaft given most of the attention and some women like their hood pulled back with direct stimulation to their glans. (If you don’t know those anatomy terms, get to work learning them!) Play with her clitoral legs and see if she likes having her inner and outer vaginal lips sucked or rubbed.
The scrotum is often an underutilised area in a man’s sexual system. It gets a bad wrap in a lot of ways but get to know it and your partner’s particular pair. Some men like their scrotum to be tugged gently or strongly. Some like it licked or sucked. Experiment with a variety of pressure at the base of the penis shaft and scrotum begins. Play around with the area between the scrotum and anus with pressure and rubbing to see if pleasure peaks with certain strokes or licks.
Words : SEX-pert Dr Juliana Morris, www.drjulianamorris.com