The sun is out, our shades are on, and there’s a distinct sensation of summer romance in the air…
Welcome to the Great British Summer:
A gloriously heady season of countryside weddings, garden BBQ’s and alfresco Pimms-drinking – the perfect backdrop for new love to blossom.
Unfortunately, however, ‘tis also the season many of us fall prey to the less-than-pleasant experience of being jerked around by men who just don’t seem to want to fully commit to us.
Blowing hot as the summer sun one minute, cool as Canada the next, such men are often referred to in the dating world as being ‘Emotionally Unavailable’.
Whether they have deep-rooted commitment issues that, as yet have been left unchecked, or they simply don’t want to place all their eggs in one (your) basket when there’s so much summer fun to be had, the effect on you is the same:
You’re left hopelessly wondering a) what you did wrong, and b) what you can do to win back his undivided attention and affection.
But, before you allow yourself to tumble too far down that dead-ended rabbit-hole, I urge you to first get clear about exactly which type of man – and behaviour – you’re dealing with:
1: THE BREADCRUMBER
This guy gives you tiny pieces of contact or affirmation to keep you hooked in and interested, whilst at the same time positioning you at a far enough distance so he can keep his options wide open.
A slow and painful assault on your self-worth.
2: THE GHOSTER
Your typical Ghoster suddenly disappears from your life/ text/ dating app exchanges for no apparent reason, leaving you clueless as to what went wrong and desperately scouring your past interactions for clarity (or a sign of hope that he does care about you, really).
Infuriating and bewildering, to say the least.
3: THE HAUNTER
This one’s particularly interesting: you can see he still watches all your Instagram stories, but makes absolutely no effort to interact or engage with you. In other words, he cares enough to want to keep tabs on you and your life, but not enough to actually want to be part of it.
Just. Plain. Weird.
4: THE BENCHER
The Bencher treats you like a substitute football player: When their main preference is unavailable (or not that in to them), they’ll randomly get in contact with you for a boost of validation, or to make the true object of their affections jealous. Late night booty calls or very last minute invitations tend to be a signal he’s stuck you on the bench, not the pitch.
Don’t fall for it; you’re better than that.
5: THE SLOW-FADER
Like The Ghoster and The Haunter, The Slow Fader is probably the most common emotionally unavailable culprit of them all, and when I asked several guy friends how they’ve ‘ended it’ with girls they weren’t that in to in the past, slow-fading was the most popular option by far (cowards).
Generalised responses such as: “I’m really busy at the moment, but drinks soon?” is a sure sign he’s trying to let you down gently, without hurting your feelings.
I’ve said it already, but I’ll say it again: Coward.
(Then again, we’ve all been guilty of this one at some point or another, haven’t we…?)
Look, I know all too well how horrible it is to realise your once-passionate summer fling appears to have flung himself as far away from you as possible.
However, I truly hope you know that this has nothing to do with who you are, and everything to do with where he is – which, I’m sorry to say, is not in a position to commit to you right now.
So, please – for the love of your own sanity – don’t waste one more minute of your precious time and energy pursuing any of the above types of men who, for whatever reason, can’t give you what you want.
Trust me, with around seven billion people on this planet, there are so many others out there who’d move heaven and earth to date someone like you.
(Really, there are.)
But, here’s the catch:
They’ll only show up in your life once you value yourself enough to shut the door on the men who can’t even be bothered to reply to your texts.
Harsh, but true.
Persia Lawson x
An Author, Speaker + Love Coach passionate about helping women get (and sustain) healthy, soulful, lasting relationships in the chaos of the modern dating world.
Having once been a serial cheater and obsessive love addict, Persia is now proud to now be in a healthy, loving relationship that inspires and challenges her daily.